Most of you already know that my daughter, Angela Towers Haddock, was asked to write and read an essay at the Deseret Books, Time Out For Women Conference, in Orlando, last weekend. Now, I want share with you how it came about and the impact it had. It can also be found on her blog, by going to her bloglist and looking at Shauna-na-na's entry on Sweet Assurance. But, I will copy it all for you, below.
First, the essay:
Time Out For Women Essay: Sweet Assurance - Posted by Angela
I was asked to write a short essay for the Time Out For Women Orlando conference. It is titled, "I have sweet assurance because I know_______."
This was an extremely difficult task as is writing on this blog because sometimes those intimate details are so hard to convey on paper or in print. Also, to sum up my "sweet assurance" in a short essay proved to be difficult as well as emotional.
I will include my essay.
I have sweet as surance because I know the atonement of Jesus Christ is real.
There have been several experiences recently that have a ssured me of the personal love of the Savior and effect of His Atonement, but August 10th 2008, will always have a place in my heart and soul. That is the day my life changed forever. It is the date in which part of me still resides. That is the day we lost our beautiful, magnetic, vivacious 23 month old, Evan to a drowning accident. The feelings of grief and turmoil we have felt since that day have been intense and are indescribable unless one has experienced them. I always knew becoming a mother would be my greatest joy, but never realized the infinite amount of love I feel could translate to the most incredible pain. The pain, the emptiness, and the hole in my heart…how could I mend them?
I first had to relearn to breathe. By far, that basic, unnoticed physiological skill was the most difficult step to take because the last thing I wanted to do was to breathe. I still have to remind myself to breathe when the waves of grief take me down to the depths of the ocean of tears. The waves of grief are incredibly enormous and holding onto my life preserver is the only thing that keeps me from completely drowning. This life preserver is my Savior, Jesus Christ.
My Savior, and I call Him mine, because through this heart wrenching experience, I have come to truly know Him and His love for me. I have always felt my Savior’s love20throughout my life. He has been a part of me for as long as I remember. I have felt His hand guide me as I have made20choices and decisions in my life. I have always felt my life was blessed because of keeping the commandments and staying on the straight and narrow path. I taught about living a righteous life and about the atonement of Jesus Christ when I was a missionary and the blessings that come from it. But, until I went through this sorrow of losing our precious son, I never understood the magnitude of the atonement.
Our Savior, suffered for us, for me. He understands my grief, my pain. He understands because He experienced it vicariously for me. I have felt Him fill my heart with love and healing. He has lifted me when I could not stand, strengthened me when I felt so weak I could not go on, and pulled me out of the depths of the ocean of grief so I can live. Through the atonement of Jesus Christ, I have felt mended. He is the only one who can mend me. Even when my threads become loose, He always has time to sew me up again. I have learned that I can come to Him over and over and He never tires of hearing my soul’s complaints. He has promised me the sweet assurance that I will see my precious Evan again. That assurance is what gives me the strength to endure until I meet Evan’s warm embrace.
Now, the story behind it from the person asked to find people to write the essay:
Sunday, March 22, 2009 - Posted by Shauna
Sweet Assurance
Piecing a Miracle Together...
This morning, in Sacrament Meeting, experiences of the past two weeks came full circle.
Two weeks ago at a Relief Society Enrichment Meeting, a delightful new sister stood up to share her feelings regarding the 28 Days Closer To Christ program we had been working on together as a Relief Society. She and her family had recently returned from living in Costa Rica for a year and I was moved as she shared the experience of being called to teach the Young Women in her Ward in Costa Rica. Even though she did not speak Spanish, she worked all week, preparing he lessons and presenting them in Spanish. As she spoke, I had a VERY strong prompting to tell her about Time Out For Women and invite her to attend.
I would like to say that I followed the prompting and sought her out, however, I argued with my thoughts. The event was ten days away and I felt like asking her "at the last minute" was not considerate, especia lly since I could not invite her to ride with me or stay with me in my already full hotel room.
Skipping around in this story...
A few days prior to this prompting, I received an e-mail from the Director of Time Out For Women, Laurel Christensen. She asked me to find a few women to write short essays titled "How I Know". These essays were to go along with the TOFW theme of SWEET ASSURANCE. After reviewing the essays, Laurel would choose one that would be read by the author at our Time Out For Women Orlando Event. The other essays would be posted on the Time Out For Women Website.
One person came to mind immediately and I asked her to write an essay, yet needed a few more people. I prayed about this and was at a loss as to who the others should be. The first name had come so clearly, now who else was I supposed to invite to write an essay. In an answer to my prayers, the Spirit told me that when I heard the names of those who should write essays, I would know, without a doubt, who should write the essays and I would not have to look any further. Within 24 hours, this is exactly what happened. Two of my Team Captains gave me suggestions and, upon hearing their names, I knew they were to write essays. I did not know these women, did not know their stories, nothing...I just KNEW they were to write essays.
Another thing I KNEW for sure...before reading the essays...before learning about these women, etc, was WHO would be reading her essay. I told Laurel that I had a strong feeling about one of them, but would not say anymore as I did not want to influence her, etc. As the essays were submitted, ultimately, Laurel chose the one I knew was going to be read.
Now back to the new sister in my ward....
Last Sunday, the prompting returned....go talk to her about Time Out For Women. I just cant... I thought...this week is crazy and she will wonder why I waited so long, especially if she finds out that I am the local person in charge of the event. Oh....and it would help if I had introduced myself a few weeks earlier when she moved in. (Like a usually do whenever I see a new face)
I just20felt like my timing was off...Note to self as I am digesting the following lesson this afternoon...MY TIMING does not matter....THE LORD'S TIMING is the only timing I should be concerned with.
Another Note to self....YOU are an instrument in the Lords Hands...LISTEN TO HIM!
I went home last Sunday, once again, arguing with this clear prompting regarding someone I did not even know. Fast forward to Sunday evening....I got THREE separate phone calls from people who wanted me to find some one to use an extra Ticket to Time Out For Women. All three of these women had purchased 5 tickets during the Group Discount Pre-registration time and did not need all 5 tickets they purchased. All Three women did not want money for the tickets, they just wanted someone to have them who would use them.
The following morning, I dragged myself to the gym for a quick workout. I walked in the front door and the first person I saw was a sister from my ward who works as an instructor/trainer at The Gym.. Without hesitating, I told her about the TOFW Tickets and asked if she wanted one or knew of anyone who could use them. YES, she wanted to go and would find people to go with her. I sugge sted a few names of people she may want to ask...including the sister who had been on my mind. SURE, she said, that NEW SISTER IS MY NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR! What....? I had no idea! At that moment, my phone ra ng, Megan was home from school sick and I had to head home without exercising at the gym. I was at the gym just long enough for my path to cross with the person who could use these tickets and, ultimately, get this new sister to Time out For Women. Interestingly enough, I had NO INTENTION of offering these tickets to anyone as I started off that morning.
By the next day, not only were the 3 tickets spoken for, now 2 others were going, INCLUDING THE NEW SISTER who I knew needed to be invited. She had arranged child care (her husband is working out of town) and everything fell into place for her to be away from her young children to attend Time Out For Women. The Lord did not let up in his efforts to get this new sister to Time Out For Women. It was not until this morning in Sacrament Meeting that I KNEW FOR CERTAIN why....
Fast Forward To The Time Out For Women Event Yesterday....
It was time for the Essay author to read her essay. It was powerful, moving, and heart wrenching as she shared details regarding the drowning accident that took the life of her 23 month old son, Evan, last summer. I prayed for her to have the strength to get through the essay. Her strength, courage, and testi mony of Jesus Christ touched every heart in that room
This morning....
The promptings, the essays, the tickets that became available, the timing, the Lord's continual opening doors to get this new sister to Time Out For Women, etc.....all the pieces that needed to come together were in place as I heard this new sister speak in Sacrament Meeting...about the drowning accident that took the life of her toddler son over 10 years ago.....
This new sister and the essay writer/speaker needed to connect yesterday, and they did. They understand each other's pain in a way no one else can unless they have experienced a loss in this manner. The Lord was working on me to make sure this new sister attended Time Out For Women. Even though I did not follow the promptings at first, she continued to be on my mind so that when yet, another opportunity came for her to be invited, I made sure I suggested her name first.
Once again, I am reminded of how involved The Lord is in the details of our lives. Most of the time, we are unaware of how much he is orchestrating for our benefit.
After Sacrament Meeting, I went to this wonderful sister and shared the "big picture" story of how Time Out For Women came to her. I also apologized for not following my initial pr omptings and for not introducing myself until yesterday at Time Out For Women.
I shared with her how I KNOW that the Lord loves her and is aware of her needs at every turn.
I am reflecting on a period of time in my own life when the Lord was arranging every detail, piece by piece, yet, it was not until later, that I could see His hand in every move. He placed me in the path of exactly who and what I needed to be around at the time I would need them the most. I am sitting here today as the result of The Lord's hand in the details of my life.He used people to touch me in ways that forever changed me. How grateful I am for those who followed promptings on my behalf.
How grateful I am today to have rubbed shoulders with this miracle. I know that the Lord did not give up on using me as his instrument to bring these two sisters together at the exact time and place they needed to meet.
The Sweet Assurance felt as a result of Time Out For Women is deep in my heart! Deep..
Now the entry Angela wrote today regarding it all: Posted by Angela
I just wanted to thank you all for your love and prayers. I have truly felt lifted and comforted this weekend. The Lord is so mindful of us and directs us when we follow the whisperings of the spirit. I was able to get through my essay with relative grace, only because I felt the prayers of the many. I felt Evan's loving spirit near me and whispering his love for me.
Following the spirit is interesting....now I say it in that regard because when I was asked to write the essay, I knew the words would just come to me, but I didn't realize the Lord would wake me up 2:00 AM to sit at the computer and write my essay. That is exactly what happened. I woke up completely awake and tried so hard to go back to sleep, but all I heard was, "It's time, now." So I obeyed that whispering and the words just flowed onto my computer screen. I guess sometimes the Lord needs our life to be completely quiet in order for us to hear the words He wants us to say. The tranquility of the spirit is something I marvel at.
After I read the essay on Saturday, many other women came up to me and=2 0shared stories of how they lost their children. I was quite touched and honored to be able to validate the feelings of a bereaved mother. I know the Lord is mindful of each one of us and provides people, opportunities, an d situations in which we can help and support one another. He does not want us to grieve alone. I was able to meet one mother in particular that lost her son because of a drowning accident too. Her son passed away 12 years ago and to realize that she has made it 12 years without him physically here was comforting to me....It made me realize that I can make it on this crooked path I must walk on now. This is not the road I thought I would travel, but it is my road now, nevertheless. The other thing I realized while she was telling me her story and watching her tears freely fall, was that the grief never goes away, but the comfort of the atonement of Christ mends us on a daily basis so we can finish our path that we are meant to follow.
I had many other sweet assurances during the weekend as well. The love of my friends, family, and people I don't even know well are a true support and crutch for me. I've realized they love me and will be readily available when I need them to carry me through the dark times and lonely days of grief.
Some fun moments of the weekend. I was able to meet Michael McLean, Hilary Weeks and Chieko Okasaki! Lisa B and I actually got to escort Sis. Okasaki to her hotel. What a remarkable woman.....age 82 and as beautiful and vibrant as always. It was fun to be a part of Time Out For Women and feel the sweet assurance that God Lives, He loves ME, and He knows ME.
.....................
If you want to see pictures of Angela with Chieko, and Michael McLean, you can look at her blog: http://haddockheartstrings.blogspot.com/
Love, Sheryl
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